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Mastering Genuine Apologies: A Roadmap to Healing and Understanding



One of the things I would love my clients to master is how to offer a good apology. An apology can be the first step towards healing, but if not done correctly, it can make things worse.


A heartfelt apology plays a crucial role in mending a relationship when someone has been hurt. But what constitutes a truly genuine apology? In her book, "Why Won't You Apologize?", Dr. Harriet Lerner suggests that there are 9 key components that should be present in all effective apologies:

1. Refrain from using "but" in your apology. Fully accepting responsibility for your actions is key when apologizing. Any "buts" might dilute the sincerity of your apology. For instance, "I'm sorry I broke the vase, but it was too close to the edge" isn't quite a genuine apology and minimizes your responsibility. An improved version might be, "I'm sorry I broke the vase. I was negligent and I should have been more observant."


2. Concentrate on your actions in the apology, not on the reaction of the other person. While apologizing, focus on how your actions might have affected the other person. Excuses and justifications aren't helpful. Saying, "I'm sorry I made an offensive comment, but you should toughen up" is not really an apology. A sincere apology would be, "I'm sorry I made an offensive comment. I understand my words were hurtful, and I deeply regret that."

3. Incorporate an offer of compensation or amends in the apology. When you've caused harm, suggesting a way to rectify the situation is vital. This could range from replacing a broken item to extending a personal apology. For instance, if you've stained someone's tablecloth with wine, you could propose paying for the cleaning or replacing the tablecloth.

4. Avoid exaggeration. A sincere apology should be straightforward and sincere, not excessively dramatic. Do not commit to actions you cannot fulfill or propose unnecessary gestures. Claiming, "I'm terribly sorry I was late for our date. I'll make it up to you by sending weekly flowers and paying for dinner for half a year," isn't a true apology. A sincere apology could be, "I'm truly sorry I was late for our date. I understand my tardiness was inconsiderate. I'll make an effort to be punctual in the future."

5. Don't dwell on who's more to blame or who initiated the conflict. Apologizing should be about looking forward, not dwelling on the past. Avoid disputes about right or wrong. Simply accept your part and move forward. For instance, "I'm sorry I got upset about hosting the family dinner, but you always provoke me about my relationship with my family," isn't a sincere apology. An improved version might be, "I'm sorry for my reaction about hosting the family dinner. I acknowledge my words were hurtful, and I deeply regret them."

6. Corrective action must accompany a genuine apology. An apology alone isn't sufficient. Then be sure not to repeat the same mistake in the future. For example, if you've apologized for borrowing money without permission and committed to paying it back, ensure you fulfill that promise.

7. Don’t keep making the same mistake. If you're genuinely sorry, you'll try not to repeat the offense. This requires conscious effort to change and self-awareness of your behavior. For instance, if you're habitually late, you could use alarms or calendar reminders to improve your punctuality.

8. Avoid using an apology as a means to mute others. An apology should not serve to stifle the person you've wronged. If they're still upset or hurt, it's essential to hear them out and let them vent. If you've apologized for an offensive remark, don't try to dictate their feelings and suggest they shouldn’t be hurt. Simply listen and apologize once more if necessary.

9. Avoid asking the offended party to do anything, even to forgive you. Forgiveness is something they can offer, and you can't demand it. Your role is to apologize sincerely and hope that they may, in their own time, find it in their hearts to forgive.


Dr. Harriet Lerner also delves into the significance of apologies and the reasons why some individuals struggle to offer them. She contends that a heartfelt apology is vital for mending bonds and recuperating from pain.

Dr. Lerner distinguishes 4 kinds of apologies:

1. The "I'm sorry you feel that way" apology: This apology isn't really an apology. It's a method of sidestepping accountability for the pain you've inflicted.

2. The "I'm sorry, but..." apology: Similarly, this isn't a true apology either. It serves to downplay the pain you've caused or put the blame on the other person for their response.

3. The "I'm sorry, but I didn't intend to" apology: This apology is an improvement from the previous ones, though it's still not fully adequate. It recognizes that you've caused pain, but doesn't entirely accept responsibility for your actions.

4. The "I'm sorry, and I completely accept responsibility for my actions" apology: This is the only truly effective apology. It acknowledges the pain you've caused, completely accepts responsibility, and conveys genuine remorse.


Dr. Lerner also offers advice for those who've been hurt by someone unwilling to apologize. She recommends:

· Resist the urge to insist on an apology. People are more likely to apologize when they feel it's on their own initiative.

· Establish a limit. Inform the person that your interaction with them won't continue until they're ready to apologize.

· Concentrate on your personal recovery. Even without an apology, you can still heal from the pain inflicted.

· Empathize with the other party. Attempt to comprehend why apologizing is challenging for them. They could be feeling embarrassed, defensive, or fearing rejection.

· Exercise patience: The other person might need time to be ready to apologize. Don't write them off.

· Demonstrate the behavior you wish to see: If you expect an apology from the other person, you must be prepared to apologize as well.

· Do not anticipate immediate forgiveness: Forgiveness is a journey that requires time. Avoid pressuring the other person into forgiving you.

· Be appreciative of any apology, even if it's flawed: An apology signifies the other person's care for you and their willingness to make amends.

· Don't consider the apology as the conclusion of the discussion: After an apology is tendered, continue discussing what transpired and how you can progress together.

· Realize that an apology doesn't assure change: An apology is a great first step, but it doesn't guarantee that the person won't hurt you again. Be ready to assert boundaries and protect yourself if needed.

· Allow yourself time to heal: Even with an apology, forgiving the person and moving forward might take time. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself to experience your emotions.

· Consider professional assistance if required: If you find it hard to forgive or move on, a therapist could provide valuable help.


In conclusion, mastering the art of apology is a vital life skill that has the potential to mend fractured relationships, foster understanding, and create a sense of healing. The ability to offer a genuine, heartfelt apology can turn hurtful situations into opportunities for growth and personal development. Remember, apologies are not just about saying the words but truly understanding and rectifying our mistakes. It's about acknowledging the impact of our actions on others, showing empathy, and demonstrating our commitment to avoid causing similar hurt in the future.

And while it's always hopeful to receive an apology, focusing on your own healing journey is equally important. Let this guide empower you to navigate the tricky territory of apologies, as both a giver and receiver, with grace and sincerity. So, the next time you find yourself in a situation where you've caused hurt, remember these tips, take a deep breath, and embark on the road to healing through a meaningful apology.


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